Saturday, August 8, 2009

Lesson 7

Besides the obvious roles of getting him drunk, dragging him into strip clubs and filling his head with inane commentary from the Simpsons or whatever piece of puerile claptrap Adam Sandler is shilling this week, a man's buddies are ostensibly there to watch out for his best interests: which might prove to be a problem.

You're new on the scene. They're going to be (justifyably as it turns out) suspicious of you and your intentions. They might begin to notice his descent into your clutches and attempt a rear-guard action to prise him away from your grasp. And here's the problem. He has years of experience with his friends, he knows and (except for that time with the donkey and the handcuffs) trusts them completely. So whatever they say to him he is going to take very seriously.

But you have the greatest weapon of all. His libido. Just remember: simply listening to that friend of his gives you a headache and gets you out of the mood, right? It's impossible for you to feel intimate with him for at least a day after being exposed to his unwanted comrade, isn't it.

Just make sure that the night after you've been huffy and withdrawn you put on a hell of a pyrotechnic display in the bedroom and apologise for the night before during the lull after the storm. You know, that time when the endorphins flooding his body still prevent normal brain function. You're sorry you were upset, you try to get on with him, but he (1) said something sleazy to you once as a joke, but it really wasn't (2) looks at your boobs when your boyfriend isn't looking (3) treats his own girlfriend unaffectionately (4) heck, you can be creative can't you? It's all about building doubt in your man's mind about the quality of his friendship with your rival.

Now here's the rub. You don't want him to have no buddies at all, you just want him to have the right ones. Heaven knows, once whispers of being a 'cold bitch' begin to circulate that kind of image is hard to defrost. Particularly if there is a teensy pinch of truth to it (Hey, don't be offended if you are. It's a strength. Really it is). So, be super friendly and garrulous with the friends (and girlfriends of friends) that you approve of. Suggest intimate dinner parties, go to concerts with them, even go camping and the such. Do the kind of things that couples do, and as each day goes past you will gradually distance your man from the undesirables in his circle.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Lesson 6

Ever noticed how as soon as you go on a diet the things you aren’t supposed to eat are the ones you crave the most? That bowl of pasta you didn’t care for two weeks ago is suddenly all you can think about as soon as you start that low-carb diet. It’s because we all want what we can’t have. And this is especially true for men. And what a man can’t have, he will do anything to get. And when he’s willing to do anything to get you – that’s exactly when you’ve got him.
One way to start this process is to turn him on when he knows he can’t have it. That early morning meeting he just has to make is an ideal time to steal the upper hand.
Other “Want it but can’t have it moments” include:

Dinner at his mother’s house.
A solemn moment in church.
A change room at the mall.
When he’s away on a boy’s weekend.

These are all precisely the time you should whisper naughty little thoughts in his ear that will rattle his dirty little mind.

Then when we rushes home from work, or home from church, his mother’s house, or the boys weekend, let him now the moment’s passed. The mood has gone, now you just want to snuggle.
Of course there’s nothing wrong in doing more than snuggling… but here it’s on your terms and he’ll be do everything he’s learnt from his Casanova handbook to try to sway you. And that’s just means more for you.
So keep him guessing. After all a man is never more attentive than when he is standing at attention.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Lesson 5

You train a dog to roll over and beg by giving him little rewards along the way. Feed a dog a banquet straight away and he’ll lose interest.

Of course, by no means are we comparing men to dogs… well, not straight out, but you can learn a thing or two about how to train them from our four legged friends.

The first trick is to make your man not so goal orientated, but rather to enjoy the whole game play. For example, at the beginning of your seduction, give him a glimpse of what he can expect if he plays the game right. A peek of a sexy thong or lacey bra can do wonders. But don’t give him too much, just a tiny tiny peek. Learn to roll out your seductive weapons one by one. Giving him a little more each time. This will appeal to his competitive nature and start to pay dividends for you too.

Keep him interested and make him believe that you are too, but that you need a little more convincing. Make him pay attention to you, and once you’re ready to take things further he’ll go crazy.

Oh and one last thing, in that moment just after the passion has climaxed, this is when a man is at his weakest. So use this time to your advantage.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Lesson 4

They say true love need never be tested.

We say poppycock! True love only stays true because it is tested, time and time and time again.
So to keep his love true, we present a little number we like to call “But honey this is our day!” And this is how it works.

Find out the exact date of the Superbowl months in advance. Then before it’s even a blip on his sporting radar suggest “Oh honey, I was thinking we should get a weekend away and go visit my Mom when we get a chance. How about sometime in February, like the weekend of the 18th?”

The key here is timing. Do this in November and there’s no way he will put 2 and 2 together. And when he eventually does realize, say two weeks before the planned weekend away, his balls will already be nicely packed away inside your luggage.

Of course, you can decide to let him weasel his way out of it by trading up to a full week away at a 5 Star hotel instead complete with an “anything you want darling” weekend.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Lesson 3

We all know that for a relationship to work it has to be fair... um, no, not fair, what’s the expression we’re looking for… completely and utterly in your favour. That’s it!

Now of course a wise woman knows that it should never actually appear this way (least you be labelled a controlling bitch), but rather it should be an unspoken understanding between you both. The key here is to let him have his way when his way matches yours.

For example, let’s take the old favourite of deciding where to go for dinner.

Now if YOU feel like Chinese but HE is the one to suggest it, let a soft sigh escape your lips as you exclaim “really?” Then take a slight pause before giving him an “OK baby, if it makes you happy, Chinese it is.” Straight away his chest will puff and his pride will swell when he thinks that not only is he getting his way, but that you are giving him something he wants.

The reality of course, will be our little secret.

Of course the key here is that not only did you get your way by giving him his, but now he will feel indebted to give you something you want next time. After all it’s only fair now isn’t it?

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Lesson 2

Men by nature aren’t that detail focused. In fact, they’re quite content to just drift through their lives thinking about cars, football, pizza and porn. But much like his waistline, a brain not whipped into shape will soon turn flabby and that brilliant mind you once hooked up with could end up being more Homer than Aristotle. His mind should be sharp, attentive and completely and utterly focused on you.

So get in early and train your man to notice the details that are important to you. Reinforce that failure to notice these things will result in unspeakable hardship and cruelty. Done right, your man will soon notice not only your new hair cut, but your new dress, freshly manicured hand and more importantly when you drop a pound or two (of course under punishment of death he will never ever ever notice should you gain a luxury pound or two).

And if he fails to notice that quarter inch taken off your bangs, then slap him down quick smart with your weapon of choice, a cold stare, an emasculating sigh or pull out the big knockout combo of the silent treatment mixed with reminders that “nothing’s wrong”. This kind of mental torture will have him wracking his brains for a. what he has missed and b. how to make things better.

Eventually he will obediently take note of all the wondrous minutiae of your life. He’ll sit and listen to your whole day, remember the names of all friends, family and passing acquaintances and if well trained willingly sit and watch all your favourite TV shows (and even make intelligent conversation on the plot points).

So get his brain thinking. And get it thinking about you. A haircut with just a fraction taken off is a nice place to start.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Lesson 1

Nothing strikes fear into a man more than the whiff of a pre-menstrual rampage. Play it right and soon you’ll believe that P.M.S really stands for Presents, Massages and Shopping. So, obviously, when you’re in the mood for a bit of extra special care, PMS can be conveniently arranged to happen at any time you choose.

Little things will trigger him to it’s onset. A well-timed shrug and a downcast gaze is sometimes enough of a signal. Early in a relationship he might think you’re in a bad mood for no particular reason. And you might be. But there’s no reason he needs to know that

A period is a get out of jail free card. They've been used successfully as a defence in court for shoplifting, assault, drink-driving and yes, even murder. If PMS helped one woman get away with murder, at the very least it will help you crack the whip on an inattentive or slovenly man.

Men grow up learning to both respect and fear PMS. He might remember his mom snarling through grinding, crushing teeth as she locked him out of the house all day. Perhaps his sister glared a smidgen too intently for comfort at his choice of bedroom music one afternoon while holding a pair of haberdashery scissors with white knuckles. He might have learned to soothe himself with a whispered mantra that he simply has to stay strong, catch a bit of luck, and it will all be over in a few days. That those complaints about the TV always being too bright and why isn’t he man enough to fix it will gradually fade away.

Remind him that a powder keg simmers nearby, ready to detonate in a cannon flash toward any minor indiscretion he might commit. Or perhaps inflame at any outrageous failure to correctly read your mind. An attentive boyfriend will learn the timings of these circumstances and in time will learn that pre-emptive salvoes of flowers, chocolate, footrubs, jewellery and shopping sprees are the most effective salve.